How do I describe a ‘vacant’ feeling?

I move, I speak, I interact with others but there is a huge part of me sitting in reserve, untapped and dormant.

I have today, celebrated Christmas, my first without my Husband by my side.

Looking back on the day I seem to have been operating on remote control as I don’t remember a lot of what has gone on before this moment.  Home alone now I can think clearer and feel so glad that ‘Christmas’ is over for this year and I can now prepare myself to deal  with  a whole new set of challenges and anniversaries.

I haven’t been ‘excited’ about Christmas for many years, since my son was little, remembering well those halcyon days when Santa was a real person  and the 3 of us enjoyed Christmas morning so much – they were a pure joy. - Not so now with a huge void in my life.

I hope that one day I will feel more at ease with my current lifestyle – It’s a goal I have to work toward – I have a long way to go.